Finding Meaning and Purpose in Every Day

I have noticed something funny about this blog. It seems like pretty much every post talks about me learning to become better or developing increased confidence. You think I would have it all figured out by now, but I don't. I am finding that having a good attitude, developing stronger faith, and believing in myself and others seems to be a constant battle. I am sure I am not alone in this, however. In my last post I wrote about a struggle I had faced with learning to be satisfied with who I was and what I had. Well guess what? It has recently happened again. I have to say that most days, being a stay-at-home mom gets a bit tedious and mundane. I have to get up in the morning, not when I feel ready to, but when the kids decide that I need to. With a baby in diapers and a toddler who is potty training, I spend an insane amount of time dealing with pee and poop. I can't get things done around the house without one of the little ones either getting in the way or pulling me away from what I am trying to do. Making dinner becomes quite tricky, and eating meals is never peaceful. It is a constant battle trying to stay patient with my two year old, and I have to be there to answer to my baby's every whim. Usually the most exciting things to take place during my day are nap time and seeing the hubby when he gets home from work. I put so much time and energy into caring for these little ones, yet at the end of the day I struggle to feel like I have really accomplished anything. While we have been blessed with sufficient funds to meet our needs and a good enough apartment to live in, I do find myself feeling a bit ungrateful sometimes. I wish so badly that we had our own yard for J to play in. I get tired of having to use the shared laundry facility. I miss the convenience of a bigger kitchen, a garage, and more than one bathroom, etc. For a long time it was hard for me having to deal with rarely being able to get out of the apartment since I had no car. Fortunately though, I now have been blessed with a car, and oh what a difference that makes. Honestly, I really am extremely blessed, and when I take the time to view things in the right light it is so easy to see. Yet often times I get so caught up in the mundane, tedious, and seemingly meaningless parts of my day and it becomes easy to lose sight of that. To help with this, I am setting a goal to take the time at the end of each day to share a special or meaningful moment, or important realizations or lessons that I learned in that day. They say that these are very important years and that someday I will miss this stage of my life. I have been learning so much, and perhaps I will retain those lessons better if I write them down. Perhaps I may even be able to help others if I am willing to share, so here we go.

I guess the thing that stands out the most about today is the fact that I did something that I was always too scared to do before now: I taught my first voice lesson. While I have been singing for a long time and received a lot of training growing up, I have been scared to teach. I did not receive a degree in vocal performance, and seeing as it has been a while since I have taken formal lessons, I feel like there is a lot I have forgotten. For those reasons I would not teach advanced students. I found myself feeling impressed last week though, that I should consider teaching beginner and child lessons. A few days later I was presented with an opportunity to do so. I am nervous and I definitely have a lot to learn, but I also realize that there is a lot of potential here. I let my voice go pretty dormant for a while there, and I even went through a stage where I struggled with some actual vocal damage. I am certainly not back to where I was in my high school and early college days, but I am getting better. In the case of my singing I have found the Lord's parable about the talents to be very true. God blessed me with a talent for singing, and when I use it he blesses me for for it. During the couple of years when I decided to keep it buried, I had to learn the hard way by losing it. I have learned that having humility about a gift does not mean hiding it or pretending it is not there, it means acknowledging its true source and using it the way the giver of that gift would have me use it. So here I am trying to multiply my talent. As I said, I am nervous and feel inadequate at times, but I know this is something the Lord wants me to do. As I do my best to research and take in new knowledge, and as I seek help and guidance from the Spirit, I know the Lord will qualify me to do this work. It will be blessing to me, to my family, and to those I teach. Here's to another leap of faith and another new adventure.

How Life has Changed Since Last Year

Last year I found myself feeling a bit empty. My life was full of beautiful things. I had a kind and compassionate husband who I loved dearly, and I had a beautiful baby girl who was teaching me about the joy that comes from selflessly loving and giving to someone else. Life was going pretty well and I was feeling blessed, but something inside of me was missing and I wanted that void to be filled.
In June of last year we found out that we were expecting another baby. I was very excited, and I became convinced that this baby was what I needed in order to fill that empty spot. It was in July, however, that I found out I was losing that baby. That same day, Brandon also found out that his job was about to end. Suddenly that empty feeling increased even more, only to be aggravated more a month later when my grandma passed away. Over the next few months I struggled more as the hopes and dreams I had had kept being torn apart. Finally, in late November/ early December, things began to look up. Brandon got a job offer and we found ourselves expecting again. Once again I thought this pregnancy was the answer to making me feel complete. I was devastated then, when I found out that it was another failed pregnancy.
Coming into the new year and my new home in Oakdale, I was feeling pretty crushed. I was missing my baby that I was depending on, and I was in an unfamiliar place where I knew no one. My family kept telling me to be grateful for Brandon and Josie, as they were the greatest blessings I had. I was grateful for them, but I still felt empty and I wanted more. It was hard, but I kept moving forward and kept trying to have faith that things would get better. Little did I know then that while the move and those miscarriages had been two of my biggest challenges yet, they would become just what I needed to receive the blessings that Heavenly Father wanted to give me.
 Over the last ten months my life has been full of experiences that have helped me grow into a better and more caring person. I have been forced to do a lot of soul searching. I have been humbled as I have seen the people here reach out and bless my life. I have been given opportunities to serve and in turn make a real difference in the lives of others. Also, I have seen my faith grow as I have truly witnessed the hand of the Lord in my life.
In a few weeks I will be holding my beautiful baby boy in my arms, and I will be filled with pure joy when that takes place. He will not be there to fill a void in my life, however, because that void has already been filled. It turns out that what I needed to fill in that gap did not lie within my circumstances or with a baby. It was all dependent on me and how I was choosing to view myself and my surroundings. I have come to believe in myself and the force for good I can be when I put forth my time and effort toward loving and serving others. I have come to truly know that the Lord loves me and only desires to give me what is truly best for my eternal growth and happiness. I am more grateful than I have ever been to have my husband and my little girl.
That baby is not in my arms yet, but I already feel complete. My life is not perfect, but it is rich and full. I am far from perfect, but I am comfortable with the progress I am making. This is why those hard, heart-breaking events had to occur, so that I could reach a better point in my life. This is why I had to wait for my baby, so that when he did come I would be able to be his mommy with the strength and perspective that he would need. Not only that, but I will also have the gratitude and love for my beloved spouse and precious daughter that they will need to get us all through this big change in our lives. Life is more beautiful and full than ever.

My Beliefs about Gay Marriage

Here are some great resources that explain what I believe concerning gay marriage. I hope they can help you better understand where my stand on the issue comes from.

As you probably already know, I am Mormon, or a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My faith in God and his son Jesus Christ is the most important thing in the world to me. For that reason, my beliefs are the same as those taught in His church. Here is a website which has been put together by the leadership of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which explains what we believe concerning same-sex attraction.

http://www.mormonsandgays.org/

This is the Church's official statement about same-sex attraction, given in response to a petition from the HRC in 2010.

http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/church-mormon-responds-to-human-rights-campaign-petition-same-sex-attraction?fb_action_ids=10201074697495989&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=[10150639620304083]&action_type_map=[%22og.likes%22]&action_ref_map=[]

This next link shares a proclamation from the Church that was given by the prophet in 1995. It is called "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," and we as church members hold its teachings very dear as we strive to create families and raise them in the way that Heavenly Father wants us to. It also talks about gender, and why we believe that it is so important for marriage to be between a man and a woman.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1995/10/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng

Lastly, I have included a link to a youtube video in which a woman from our church tries to explain what we believe about same-sex attraction. It is not given directly from the Church leaders, and therefore should not be viewed as official Church doctrine. Why I have included it though, is that she basically says everything that I would say if you were to ask me personally to explain what I believe, only she does it much better than I would.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7rIAiJTho4&feature=share

I believe that a "marriage" is meant to be a three-way contract between a man, a woman, and God. That is what God designed marriage for. I do not have a problem with same-sex couples having a "civil union." I believe that if a gay couple takes part in a civil union they should be entitled to the same legal rights as heterosexual couples. I believe that we should not try to change the definition of marriage. Only God has that power, but to do so would be contrary to His plan.

While these sources have probably not changed your mind about gay marriage, I hope that they have helped you come to a better understanding of what I really believe, and why I believe those things. Most of all, I hope you now know that although I oppose marriage being between anyone but a man and a woman, I feel nothing but love towards those who deal with same-sex attraction. I really do believe in equality for all people.

My Makeover

 Here is a picture of me from the winter of 2010. A friend of mine had dyed my hair a dark red (a nice change from my natural dirty blonde). We had also gone out shopping to get me some good makeup. Here is the finished product. I felt kind of pretty that day.

This is what I looked like when I met my husband (We will call him B) in November of 2010. I weighed somewhere between 145 and 150 lbs then. We were introduced to each other when a mutual friend of ours noticed that B seemed to be "checking me out."

Let's fast-forward now to June 2011 and look at one of our engagement photos. I weigh about the same here as I did when we met. Don't we look nice?

November 2011. Here I am playing in the leaves. Brandon and I had been married for about 3 months. I weighed 160 lbs. I guess I was still trying to figure out the "cooking for two" thing.

Here I am in April of 2012, about 25 weeks pregnant. I was probably about 175 lbs at this point. One or two weeks later I would be at 180 lbs, meaning that by 30 weeks pregnant I had gained about 20 lbs. According to the charts that was the amount I was supposed to have gained by the end of my pregnancy. I still had 10 weeks to go and I was rapidly gaining weight, how was I supposed to stay at the amount the charts wanted me to gain? I was eating the healthiest I had in my entire life and I was certainly not pigging out all the time. It really bothered me that my weight was not reflecting this.

 

This shot was taken a couple of days before the baby was born. I was 41 weeks pregnant and weighed 204 lbs. If you do the math, that means that I was about 55 lbs heavier than I had been just one year previously. Not a very pleasant thought. It was ok though, I was going to have the baby and soon lose all that weight, right?

Here we are with baby J the day she was born. Notice all the extra weight I am carrying still? Attractive, isn't it?

Baby J was 3 weeks old. I was about 180 lbs and still stuck wearing maternity pants and t-shirts. It had only been three weeks though, I was sure the remaining weight would be gone soon.

Now here we are on Thanksgiving day. I was at about 175 then, and am at about 170 now. I have been stuck at 170 for a couple of months, and those last 20-25 lbs that I would have to lose in order to get to where I was when B and I met and got married do not want to seem to go anywhere right now. I have definitely not been eating too much (if anything I don't eat enough most days), and I have even been making an effort to exercise. That weight is just being stubborn.

Up until very recently I struggled a lot with this new body of mine. I couldn't stand looking at pictures of myself because I thought they just made me look fat. I got really frustrated every time I got dressed to go out, because it seemed like it took forever to actually find some pants and a shirt that actually fit. I looked at old pictures of myself and could only think about how much better I used to look. I cried, because I was uncomfortable with my new body and I was jealous of all those people who are able to just bounce back to how they were before they'd had a baby. I just wished that I could have my old body back, but then I had a change of perspective.

Let me share that change of perspective with you by going through those photos again with new captions.

Here is a picture of me in the winter of 2010. I had decided to dye my hair and start wearing makeup, because I was having trouble believing in myself. I did not feel like I was very pretty, and to confirm that it seemed like no boys were ever interested in me. I hoped that making these changes would help.

About 9 months later I was still not having much success. I realized that perhaps making a physical change was not the complete answer to feeling more confident and accepted. I decided that I would feel better about myself if went out and did something on my own, if I started fresh. I had decided that I was going to go off and be a nanny for a year. I hoped that would make me stronger and more confident. The search for a nanny job was going really well, and I really did begin to believe in myself and realize that I was a very capable person on my own. It was during that period of time that I met B. About a week after we met I felt that God had a different plan for me than to go be a nanny. I didn't know why, but I followed that prompting and decided to continue with my schooling.

Continuing with my schooling meant going home and working during my semester off, and then going back to school in April for a new semester. B and I started dating right before it was time for me to go home, meaning that for most of the first 4 months we dated we were apart. That period was rough, but I grew even more during that time than I ever had before. Now I really did feel like I was worthy and capable of being loved, and I had gained the maturity I needed to be in a serious relationship and soon get married.

The five months that passed between that picture and this next picture were pretty eventful. I had been through an appendectomy, a wedding, being married, starting a new life, going on a honeymoon, lots of traveling, trying to set up a new home, recurring illness, and starting a new semester of busy classes. It was a crazy time. It was so exciting to be living with my best friend and growing in love for each other. It was also a trying time for me, one that really forced me to grow and stand up to new challenges. Did you know that this picture was taken the night that I began to suspect very strongly that I was pregnant? I was excited at the prospect, but I also new that B and I had just taken a huge leap of faith, one that took a lot of guts. I was going through a bit of a hard time and my health did not seem that great. We were poor college students, and had no income at the time. We were still getting used to married life. What were we thinking? We were thinking that God had a plan for us, and we had come to trust him enough that we were letting him take charge.

Now we have the shot of me, 25 weeks pregnant. Once again life was very different. I was very different. Inside of me a baby was growing, a baby girl. How miraculous is that? My body had become the home and growing place of a new life, providing the perfect environment needed for that girl to grow into a beautiful and healthy baby. My body was changing, but it now had an even greater purpose. Should I have been focused on how much weight I was gaining? No. I should have been focusing on the miracle that was taking place. Everything was going smoothly, and that is what really mattered.

Ok, at this point I felt huge, and I was so ready to get that baby out. I had just been through the longest 9 months of my life, and I was going through the longest week of my life. That week between baby J's due date and the day she was born was probably the most trying time I had ever been through. Not only had my belly grown, and not only had my baby grown, but I had grown. A lot. It is a good thing too, because I need that new found strength in order to get through what the next few months would bring.

I may not look very attractive in this next picture, but that does not really matter. Look at what I'm holding: a beautiful baby girl. That big, bloated, puffy body had not only completed it's job of getting the baby ready for the world, but it had managed to give birth to that baby. Wow, that is one amazing body.

It was great to get the baby out and not be pregnant anymore, but now there were new challenges. Right now my body had to focusing on healing after what it had just been through. All of the little energy that I had was going towards caring for a baby who was a lot harder to take care of than she had been before she was born. That still healing body had to hold her, feed her, change her diapers, and comfort her as she adjusted to a harsh new world. That body still meant everything to her, and she thought it was just great. To her it made absolutely no difference how big my belly, hips, and thighs were.

Life since baby J was born has not been easy. She has struggled with a lot of things so far in her short life: jaundice, reflux, and difficulty getting enough to eat. To get an idea of what the first few months raising her were like, see my previous post. I am happy to say that she is doing much better now. Her reflux has become much more manageable, and she does not spend half the day crying anymore. She is also getting plenty to eat, and now weighs over 14 lbs. She is growing and developing just as she should. I am doing much better now too. Each day brings new challenges, but all of these experiences have brought me the strength and confidence to face whatever comes my way. I am happy. I have a loving husband and a beautiful, healthy daughter. I am a new and improved person, so I guess I just needed a new and improved body to go along with that. I may not look as good as I did a couple of years ago, but I would never want to go back to who I was. I am moving forward, and I am going to care for my amazing body- not for the purpose of losing weight, but because it is amazing and deserves to be cared for. It does not matter what it looks like, as long as I am using it to do great things. That is what really matters.

If you recall from the beginning of this post, B was introduced to me because our mutual friend thought he had seen B "checking me out." I once asked B if he really was checking me out that day. He said he was not, and I believe him. Even with my cute hair and makeup I was not enough to grab his attention. On Sunday we were running a little late getting ready for church. After getting out of the shower I had thrown on a skirt and shirt, and quickly brushed and blow dried my hair. That was all I had time for: no makeup or cute hair. On the way to church he was having a hard time driving, because he was having trouble keeping his eyes off of me. He just could not get over how beautiful I was. I think I like my new makeover. :)

My Perfect Baby

Some people are blessed with “perfect” babies. You know which ones I am talking about: the ones that “never cry,” are the “perfect size,” and are ahead of the developmental curve. I will tell you something I have discovered, though. A baby does not have to meet those requirements in order to be perfect. Let me introduce you to my perfect baby.

My perfect baby was born on August 8, 2012. Her due date was July 31^st. I wanted her birth to be completely natural, but I ended up having to have an induced labor. I went crazy during the week between her due date and the day she was born. I was so tired of being pregnant, and I just wanted to hold her in my arms. I was also worried, because as time ticked by I knew I was getting closer and closer to being told I would have to have an induced labor. To me that was a big deal. After she was born though, I realized that everything had gone perfectly. I had really only spent half of my time during that last week before her birth going crazy, the rest of that time was spent with my wonderful husband making memories of just the two of us that we will always cherish. Other than being given pitocin to force me into labor, I was able to have a completely natural birth with no pain medication. My labor was quick and the birth went without a hitch other than me tearing a lot, and my baby girl was perfectly healthy. The midwife described it as a perfect birth, and I agree that it was a perfect birth: hard, but perfect. This experience taught me to trust in Heavenly Father and his plan, not mine. It was just the experience I needed to have.

My perfect baby was a difficult baby pretty much from the start. The first challenges we faced with her were breastfeeding and jaundice. Before she was born I had thought that breastfeeding would be easy. I was mistaken. My baby and I had a difficult time connecting just right at first during feedings. I struggled to hold her in just the right position, and she struggled to get a good latch. Then she developed jaundice, and it became very important for her to eat as much as possible so it could get flushed out of her system. Needless to say, those first few days were very stressful and stretched my patience, but as is always the case, we got through it.

The next challenge to come along was her crying. She cried a lot, and she did it loudly. When she was a newborn, one of the first things people would say about her was that she sure had a good pair of lungs. We wondered why she cried so much, but all we could really find was that she seemed to have a lot of gas. Other than that she seemed to be perfectly healthy. I tried to find ways to help her, but it seemed that nothing helped much. She would just cry because the gas hurt, and my husband and I would just do our best to try to soothe and comfort her. It drove us crazy a lot. At first we would find ourselves so frustrated we would just yell sometimes and have to pass her off to the person who was feeling more patient at the moment so we would not do anything stupid to her. Don’t get me wrong, we loved her very much and had some great times with her as well, but that was hard to remember sometimes when she had been crying and screaming for the last hour or more. Two months and a move to Oregon later we were still struggling with this. We were desperate, and found ourselves fasting and praying for change. We were worried about her, and we also just wanted to be able to enjoy her. Later that day the first blessing came. We realized that perhaps we could not change her situation, but we most certainly could change ours. We took turns saying why we were grateful to have her in our family. We realized that we were not making the effort to really enjoy her to the fullest. I would usually go about taking care of her without much excitement or interaction. I was not doing a very good job of showing her how to be happy and enjoy life. We decided that we would take control of our attitudes and perspectives. We started smiling at her more, and she started smiling in return. We started talking and singing to her more, and she started talking back. I also found better ways to deal with my frustrations, such as through prayer and reliance on the atonement. She still cried a lot, but life became something to be enjoyed, not just something to be endured. Soon more answers to our problem came. From doing research on the internet I finally came to understand why she was so gassy all the time: she was swallowing too much air while nursing. We were failing to burp her enough to get all of the air bubbles out so they wouldn’t make her hurt all the time and make her gassy. The fact that she swallows too much air is something that I still have not been able to fix, but we have gotten much better at burping her sufficiently. It is still a struggle to do this, especially when the air is difficult to get out or when only a few minutes of nursing requires twenty minutes of burping and five burps before she has it all out of her system. She usually is not able to take very long naps before some more hidden air wakes her up and makes her tummy hurt. Sometimes I still struggle to stay calm when I have spent what feels like forever trying to get more air out of her while she screams for me to get it out. When it is all over though, she smiles at me, we sing and talk to each other, and I feel so blessed to have her in my life. She truly does bring me so much joy, and I have learned to not take the little moments for granted. She has good days too, and I have learned to really cherish those days. Being her mommy has not been easy, but it has taught me patience, perseverance, hard work, selflessness, unfailing love, and reliance on the Savior. While I very much look forward to the day when her body matures more and this is no longer a problem, I am grateful for all that it has taught me. I would not have it any other way.

My perfect baby is also small, too small for many peoples’ standards. At 3 and ½ months old she has finally reached 10 lbs. She weighs less than all the other babies I know of, including those who were only born a month ago. I still get compliments on my cute little newborn. I have even had people ask me if she was born prematurely when they find out how old she is. I am not worried about her though. She has always been small, even when they measured her in utero. I know she eats well, and she is on track developmentally. I think she is just lucky and inherited her daddy’s super good metabolism. Having a small baby definitely has some perks too. She is still pretty easy to carry around, and she gets to wear her cute clothes for a long time before she grows out of them. She is perfect just the size she is.

Here are some other fun things about my perfect baby. She is absolutely adorable, the cutest baby in the world in my unbiased opinion. She has blonde hair and blue eyes. She looks just like her daddy, only younger and she has a bit more hair on top of her head. She has the cutest smile, which is most likely to creep up when she is being admired or sung to. She loves to listen to music and dance. Sometimes she will coo and laugh, but only when she wants to. She is certainly not one that can be bossed around. She can be a bit stubborn like that, sort of like her mommy. While she does not nap very well, she sleeps wonderfully at night. Most nights she will sleep for at least 9 hours before she wakes up to eat. It is wonderful. She loves to suck on her fingers, and she spends most of her time when she is not eating or crying doing so. She likes to be outdoors when the weather is nice. If she is strapped into her car seat, swing, or stroller, that thing had better be moving or she will protest. She hates tummy time. She likes to take baths and be in water. She may be small, but she is strong. She is starting to enjoy playing with toys. She loves her angel friends (those people who babies look at and smile at who we can never see). She loves being with her family, and most of all, she is loved by everyone who knows her.

While she may not meet all of the world’s requirements for being a perfect baby, she certainly meets my requirements. She is just the baby I need. I would not want her any other way, and that is why she is my perfect baby.

Welcome

I know this is my third attempt at a blog, and that my past two blogs were posted in once, and then never visited again. For that reason I will put up a disclaimer right now that I will not make any promises to post in this blog often. It can be here though if I ever find myself wanting to share thoughts or updates that are too long to post on facebook. Enjoy.