Last year I found myself feeling a bit empty. My life was full of beautiful things. I had a kind and compassionate husband who I loved dearly, and I had a beautiful baby girl who was teaching me about the joy that comes from selflessly loving and giving to someone else. Life was going pretty well and I was feeling blessed, but something inside of me was missing and I wanted that void to be filled.
In June of last year we found out that we were expecting another baby. I was very excited, and I became convinced that this baby was what I needed in order to fill that empty spot. It was in July, however, that I found out I was losing that baby. That same day, Brandon also found out that his job was about to end. Suddenly that empty feeling increased even more, only to be aggravated more a month later when my grandma passed away. Over the next few months I struggled more as the hopes and dreams I had had kept being torn apart. Finally, in late November/ early December, things began to look up. Brandon got a job offer and we found ourselves expecting again. Once again I thought this pregnancy was the answer to making me feel complete. I was devastated then, when I found out that it was another failed pregnancy.
Coming into the new year and my new home in Oakdale, I was feeling pretty crushed. I was missing my baby that I was depending on, and I was in an unfamiliar place where I knew no one. My family kept telling me to be grateful for Brandon and Josie, as they were the greatest blessings I had. I was grateful for them, but I still felt empty and I wanted more. It was hard, but I kept moving forward and kept trying to have faith that things would get better. Little did I know then that while the move and those miscarriages had been two of my biggest challenges yet, they would become just what I needed to receive the blessings that Heavenly Father wanted to give me.
Over the last ten months my life has been full of experiences that have helped me grow into a better and more caring person. I have been forced to do a lot of soul searching. I have been humbled as I have seen the people here reach out and bless my life. I have been given opportunities to serve and in turn make a real difference in the lives of others. Also, I have seen my faith grow as I have truly witnessed the hand of the Lord in my life.
In a few weeks I will be holding my beautiful baby boy in my arms, and I will be filled with pure joy when that takes place. He will not be there to fill a void in my life, however, because that void has already been filled. It turns out that what I needed to fill in that gap did not lie within my circumstances or with a baby. It was all dependent on me and how I was choosing to view myself and my surroundings. I have come to believe in myself and the force for good I can be when I put forth my time and effort toward loving and serving others. I have come to truly know that the Lord loves me and only desires to give me what is truly best for my eternal growth and happiness. I am more grateful than I have ever been to have my husband and my little girl.
That baby is not in my arms yet, but I already feel complete. My life is not perfect, but it is rich and full. I am far from perfect, but I am comfortable with the progress I am making. This is why those hard, heart-breaking events had to occur, so that I could reach a better point in my life. This is why I had to wait for my baby, so that when he did come I would be able to be his mommy with the strength and perspective that he would need. Not only that, but I will also have the gratitude and love for my beloved spouse and precious daughter that they will need to get us all through this big change in our lives. Life is more beautiful and full than ever.
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